What Kind of Life Do You Want?
Reclaiming myself
Let me warn you before you continue reading: this one might feel like a doozy and a gut punch.
I hate my life right now. No, really, I do.
I was watching the Metaphysical Maven on Instagram (I love her, and if you judge me you should also just stop reading), and she said, “Have you been lighting yourself on fire to benefit someone (or something) else?”
Well, yes.
I had 17 conversations in the past week with people from my past, mostly silicon valley elite, many got lucky at places like StubHub before eBay bought it (I was there too, but I had very little equity). Many had the right degrees so the right doors opened, and the right venture capitalists just came their way without them trying. Almost all of these people grew up with money, had their colleges and grad schools paid for, and just kept getting wealthier.
I love money and don’t have some sort of socialism complex. However, people who come from a lot of money and then just keep getting wealthier because of that don’t really know what it’s like to not have money.
I’m going to tell you what some of these people said (or did) to me and I’ll let you consider them.
“Why can’t you just keep bootstrapping? Why don’t you have enough money?”
“I thought you were more ambitious than that. A lifestyle company is really sad.”
“Every healthcare company is a billion dollar potential. Replace your cofounder, raise, and start building a team.”
Meantime I am suffering, haven’t paid myself in 18 months, and am watching someone look at houses when I’m not sure how I can keep going.
And I’ve been judged, for not having tons of money, as if it is a character flaw. Not sure how many of these people would have survived after 7 years of health issues and not having their rents covered, or the ability to live at home. Not sure how many of these people could have gone through a surgery uninsured.
Or had a swindler of an ex who took all my money and used me for my connections after I built his entire business.
Responsibility
But here’s the thing, like Peter Crone says,
Are you a victim?
Or 100% responsible?
Man he’s annoying and also amazing, and he’s right. You wouldn’t (or would?) believe how many people detest this guy and bristle at it, and his social media is full of people saying stuff like “are you saying I’m responsible for my child’s death,” and, they are missing the point.
Blame is different than responsibility.
I’m not too blame for shitty partners in all aspects of my life.
I’m not too blame for my health issues.
But I am responsible for how I feel now and what I do with it. I have control over my own life.
Which means I have the agency to change the things that no longer bring me joy, even if it means a grand new adventure.
Burning everything to the ground in order to rise, like a phoenix.
I’m not sure why, but I have attracted a lot of users into my life. Maybe it’s because I want to trust, or I am lonely and want friends, or I tend to see the good parts in people and ignore the bad.
I have this tendency to meet people and help them get a foothold for their life, showing them new people and a new lifestyle. And then the moment they get what they want, I’m left in the dust. This has happened so many times at this point it’s almost hard to count. But this latest one is one that will take me time, again, to rebuild from.
The only way to do that is to take responsibility for it and to accept it fully for what it is.
Then and only then you can rebuild from a place of clarity.
