Living Your Life For You
The Abyss
“To expect a bad person not to harm others is like expecting a fig tree not to produce fig juice, babies not to cry, horses never to neigh, and the other inevitable things not happen — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 12.16”
As I am writing this, I have a 101 degree fever, just finished packing my car Thursday night for an early Friday pickup, and trying to consolidate everything else with me in San Francisco into one large suitcase heading back to Massachusetts. Logistics such as…having another 2 arms or another person would be very helpful for the journey I’m about to embark upon, but once again, I am alone.
I am letting go of another iteration of my life. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s starting over.
Let me start from what was the beginning of the end of this part of my life (arguably it was a lot earlier, but the writing on the wall was this summer).
Three months ago, my laptop died, and with it, more than 700 pages of a book written about my experience with fibroids. Hundreds of interviews, methodical research, months of labwork documented, my pain and journey to healing…gone.
I wept and, in my despair, given the issues with my startup, problems finding housing, my own health issues…I became very distressed. I confided in someone close about my sadness and what felt like overwhelming burnout.
Instead of any sort of understanding or empathy this person became angry with me, ignored me for 2 days, and then demanded I meet them so they could reprimand me and tell me about how damaging I was to their health. They told me I was causing them stress and illness and I needed to sort out my life.
Anger instead of compassion.
A complete 180 contrast of the person I thought them to be.
Instead of being outraged, I cow-tailed and believed that I was to blame for my sadness, for my confusion as to what the relationship had become. I felt bad because I felt bad. As if I were a bad person for having a natural human reaction. I learned to hide my emotions and stop sharing as much with this person. I became more and more, a shell of myself.
If, in your hour of greatest need, the response is anger, or shaming, or to turn it back on how that hurts them…thank god for that gift. There is no greater indicator of someone’s true nature.
For me it was also a gift into realizing the most important person in the world is ME, and I have to put myself first.
A Journey Into True Self
Over the past 3 months things became worse. It became crystal clear that I was compromising my health, wellbeing and dreams: in fact I was building somebody else’s dream.
My calendar once was full of 114 meetings in one week; trying to find a way to scale a business.
I kept trying and we had a few possibilities…until there was only one possibility. The thing is, it was not good for ME.
It would require me to stuff my dreams aside, to work 100 hours a week on something I do not have a passion for, and to take a huge step down. To hide in the shadows while someone else reaped the rewards of my years of experience.
Every day I was living my life for other people.
I stopped being able to sleep. I would wake up at 4am and throw up and then scroll on my phone for hours. I blocked my calendar and stopped eating. I would walk for hours and hours at night, pacing Twin Peaks, losing all sense of time.
A friend of mine pointed out that around my birthday last year, other people in my life were all too content with me stepping into the shadows. Wasn’t it about time I took the spotlight?
A New Beginning
Yesterday my car was picked up so it can make its own, separate journey back to Massachusetts. I love driving across country and have done it multiple times, but it’s not that much fun in the Winter, especially alone, and with broken ribs! (Yes, a longer story for another day).
I am moving back to Massachusetts and honestly, I think my California story is over.
I am going to rebuild my life, but I am fragile. Everything I thought was true has changed on a beat. I’m not a robot and even though I have created tools in my own life to reclaim my purpose and rebuild, it still takes time. (so yes, those who are reading who think I can just snap my fingers and create a whole new life, don’t be surprised when you are not part of my new journey).
I tried very, very hard to build something meaningful to me. Unfortunately I was not able to pursue the vision as I saw fit. In the end, my dream of helping people thrive will prevail!
