My New Life is Costing Me My Old One
Every time I’ve built something great, there are people who want to tear me down. I wish it were not so, but this is my 4th startup, and 4 times now I’ll be living a peaceful life and people seem to come out of the woodwork to disrupt the peace.
As Brianna West wrote, “your new life will cost you your old one.”
We had such an incredible, beautiful, powerful week with a fabulous event, new members, a new guest signing up for our retreat. I met some of our members for the first time at our Equinox party and it felt like they were old friends.
But then, today, was abysmal, it was a day to wonder if you were just going to sit on a stairwell and self-destruct.
Nobody cares when you play small. My consultancy, while it did serve incredible Fortune 100s and powerful execs, was a boutique strategy company. It wasn’t meant to change the world, or disrupt the system or get attention.
My new startup was literally created out of frustration for a broken healthcare system, and my and my co-founders’ struggle to be heard by traditional doctors.
We created something that IS disrupting healthcare. It’s getting attention. Our philosophy is not for everyone, but for those who subscribe to our belief system, we are changing their lives.
So I’m getting attention.
And not all of it is good.
And through all if this I’m being forced to confront who I am, and whether I have the strength to persevere (spoiler, I do).
That “messy middle” where the good stuff, like an oreo if they weren’t toxic, lives.
Rise like a Phoenix
You see, I’ve been surrounded by boxes before, many times, all the times I had to actually dismantle my life, and start fresh.
I just did it, last November (2023).
I drove across country with my friend Steven’s 80s playlist getting me through New Mexico, and Texas, and Tennessee.
I tried Sedona, Austin, Raleigh, Charleston, LA. There were the nights in Austin with the one where a moonbeam stretched across my thigh and he said, but you know it can never work…
we are
two freight trains heading toward each other at the speed of light.
So we watched Casino Royal again and the next day I drove.
I had driven those very roads before.
I’ve packed and unpacked and drove.
The longest place I ever lived, as an adult was 88 Howard.
I want to say it all went horribly wrong after that, which is a long time to suffer, but it’s not the truth because–
I was designed to rise like a phoenix, and my greatest visions, the greatest power, the people who have changed my trajectory were all introduced in those in between times.
The time between the total annihilation of my old life, but the yet-to-be new one.
That “messy middle” where the good stuff, like an oreo if they weren’t toxic, lives.
In 5 weeks I embark on a new life, a new place, I’ll meet new people, manifest a new love, build in an environment that juxtaposes peace and irreverence.
But right now, I am in the “suck.”
Resilience
I’m a Myers Brigg INTJ and we are infamous for being…unemotional, detached, analytic, passionate about our inner worlds. But tonight I called Maddy and I cried.
Because people have been really, really mean to me and I feel like the first level of Maslow’s pyramid has been set on fire.
Here’s a couple of the shitty, shitty things that happened in the past month, or should I say emotional things, or things that attempted in good faith to destroy me:
My ex called me to apologize because one of the people he cheated on me with is writing a book about the experience.
I’ve been gossiped about by people who don’t know me, but think they do, and clearly have nothing else going on in their lives.
“They say a lot, don’t they.”
Many, many people I thought were friends, are not my friends.
I want to say it doesn’t matter, and the truth is, I’m going to keep going no matter what. I am resilient, I can shake this off tomorrow.
But tonight? I feel small and scared.
The thing is , I don’t react the way most people do to feeling small or scared. For me, that’s how I know I am close. It’s how I know it’s time, once again, to transform.
It means the long nights all the sacrifices have planted the seeds that are now blossoming.
Thursday was the Equinox, and each day we say goodbye to the propensity of darkness. We embrace more and more light.
It’s time for me to acknowledge the darkest hours have come to a close and I’m heading into the light–and a lot lighter, since I won’t be carrying any more pain from the past.
